Thursday, August 20, 2009

I’m kind of angry with God right now. I don’t usually get mad at Him, but 2 grandparents in one summer is just not fair. My Father in law is not fairing well, and although we are still waiting on the results from all of the tests, the prognosis doesn’t look good.

And I am sad.
I am sad that my husband is ½ country away and is having to deal with all of this and I can’t be there to comfort him.
I am sad that my children may have to deal with the death of another grandparent, even though they are not close. It is a two-fold thing. The loss of another, and the painful memory of the loss of the last.

At the same time, I feel guilty. Life here is continuing, while life in Indiana/Chicago is suffering. We still go to work, go to practice, go out to dinner, live our lives.
I feel guilty for being happy that my son has a new girlfriend that he seems to really like.

I feel guilty for being ecstatic that my daughter made both varsity and competition cheerleading and is Captain on both teams. Finally.
I feel guilty for being excited for school to start. For my daughter to start her senior year and for my son to start is junior one.
I feel guilty for looking forward for good things to come this school year.
I feel guilty for wishing my husband was home, instead of several states away when I know the right thing for him to do is to be with his mom and brothers right now.
I feel guilty for not being there with him and his family as they make these life decisions, and I feel guilty that I am thankful I don’t have to make them.

And I don’t know if I am wrong to feel all of these things, including the guilt. I feel as if things are spinning out of control, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to make the spinning stop. I just want time to slow down a little and let me catch my breath.

12 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

I think both feelings are very normal. I wish I had something wise to say to help you thru this time. But I'm here - to listen, to support. Love you!

Daryl said...

Sending you hugs ... like I told MPM .. keep breathing .. xox

T said...

I came across your blog via Woody's.

I hope life calms down for you soon......

Mental P Mama said...

It's not wrong at all. It is sad how we can be suffering all the while life continues on all around us. I am sending you and yours light and love. xoxo

Busy Bee Suz said...

You should try to stash the guilt. I am sure husbands family would want you and the kids to continue on. I know it is hard...but you must. You have much to be thankful for, remember we don't know what tomorrow brings, so enjoy today. :)

HalfAsstic.com said...

Ahhh, honey. These things are just part of it. It's going to be hard enough without putting so much pressure on yourself to feel what you think you should. Just focus on what you know you should be for your sake and the kids that are about to start school and be there for your husband when he calls. There really is nothing else you can do, so try to accept it.
I will pray for you.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

These are normal feelings. I wish I could "fix it" for you baby. But I will be here for you.
Have cork screw will travel.
<><

Country Girl said...

It's normal to feel guilty. It's because life goes on and what you are doing right now, with your children, is holding things together in your part of the world. When it gets too much, when you can't take it any more, you need to find a quiet spot and close your eyes. And then ask Him for help. Because it is there. I promise.

Been there. Where you are now. Been there when the world would stop. It hurts. But you will be ok, my dear.

TSannie said...

Guilt is a very overused word. Just breath and know there are many of us sending positive thoughts your way!

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

I don't like it either...it's part of the make-up of our lives!
Hang in there...all things shall pass. I'm thinking of you and praying for Peace.

Elizabeth said...

I am right with you Beth. We are trying to maintain some level of normal here for the kids, but I am in a constant of guilt, panic, rage...but never peace. We had so much joy yesterday at Robert's first flag football game and all of the sudden I was crying because we were having fun, but Bob was missing it, and while I know he is where he needs to be, I still missed him. Then I feel guilty for wishing he was with us. Today at church I wasn't even sure for what to pray. There were just no words. I felt guilty that I couldn't be specific. Reading your post helped me so much!

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

It's going around, isn't it? Is August, like, the month of TRIALS? If so, can I get a refund??

Hang in there. Tomorrow marks a new month. Breathe. Pray. Be thankful for the little things. You'll get through it. I can tell.