Thursday, December 17, 2009


This was passed on to me by a co-worker, and because I love all of my bloggy friends, I really thought it was only fair to share. Especially since most of you live far away and won't be attending the same parties as me, so I won't have to worry about any of you knowing that I really do follow all of these tips. They are quite helpful, and you should read them carefully. K, thanks....

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. Rather one should skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a Merry Christmas & a great holiday season!!


Busy Bee Suz said...

Very funny. really, though I put out carrots and celery and cucumbers...and people ATE THEM. :)
Merry Christmas, Suz

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Oh yeah! This one list I will be sticking by! Espically #2 and #9!
I feel all fat and happy already!
Merry Christmas GF!

big hair envy said...

We are having a gathering at our place Christmas Eve. Last night, Cool Breeze and I were discussing the menu. I mentioned that I'd like to have a veggie tray. He laughed at me. I'm putting coal in his stocking.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

OK, so my friend emailed this to me and I thought, awesome, I gotta post this! Then I see that you beat me to it. I'm posting anyway and linked back to yours. If you giggled as much as I did, it's worth keeping it in circulation!

Diane said...

Rules to live by! Thanks for posting this! I would like to add rule 11 and it would mention the miracle that is elastic waist pants.

Country Girl said...

Oh my gosh, I swear I am dizzy now.

But have been following these tips and am much happier.