To God, From Dog

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

True Friends ;)

It's been a busy week this week - Work is Kicking. My. Butt. (Don't misunderstand, I am not complaining about my job, just that I have been unable to blog this week due to the amount of work). I did however want to share just a little bit about true friends.

Below describes true friends. I'd like to give a shout out to all my good friends and want them to know that I would so be there for any of them.... For example,

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--

After I laugh my butt off!!

Friendship is like peeing in your pants everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I received this in an email this week and I have to say this so applies to my good friend BHE. The Salesman and I finally had the opportunity last weekend to get together with BHE and Cool Breeze

and have a few drinks,

eat oysters (which I thought I didn’t like until after a tall glass of Grey Goose and Sprite I realized were pretty dang good!)

and LAUGH!


We had sooo much fun on Friday night ! and then we got to do it all over again for the SUPERBOWL! (BHE thought I was going to tempt her with mini éclairs, but I didn’t.) There is not enough room on the internet to share the number of laughs we shared... so I'll just leave you with this:


I wonder what this weekend will have in store. I don’t think I will see BHE, but maybe that Grey Goose will show it’s head :) I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend !

Here's a little story ....

Okay, I am completely overwhelmed by the number of people participating in, and succeeding at BHE's Blogger Butt Smackdown. I am so proud of you, keep up the good work. I, however, because I am unmotivated, and well- just lazy- am not currently participating (well I am, but I'm not telling anyone, that way if(when) I fail, I will not have to admit my failures in bloggy world). So, because there are so many of you out there, dieting.... excercising.... dieting...... excercising..... i thought I would share a little story ;)

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 26 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo-Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this must be based on a true strory. One I didn't write, nor do I know who did, but because I have once experienced a week of HELL as described in this story, I thought it was just too damn funny not to share :)

::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my little crazy friend, run!

Well, what can I say?? Someone sent it to me, and durn it, I'm NOT going alone!!
I'm taking you all with me !!

Is it really Monday?

So it’s Monday. Again.

I have decided I am not a Monday person. Ever. Not that I am a big Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday person either. This Monday is particularly sucky!

My weekend flew by. Cheerleader Girl had a cheerleading competition that consumed the majority of the weekend. That doesn’t particularly bother me because I love to see her compete (Some may say I’m kind of a psycho cheer mom, but I’m not really. I mean I’m not from Texas or anything). It’s just that dang it, Monday morning got here really fast!

I had to go to the doctor this morning… yeah – THAT doctor. The lay down, scoot forward, put your feet here and here one! What the HELL was I thinking going FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING? In fairness to the doctor, to whom this is my first visit(not ever, just to her), she was extremely nice and I wasn’t uncomfortable, well I mean what ever comfortable is there. But still! Monday morning? UGH! Then the gown they gave me (the “it ties in the front one) DOESN’T HAVE ANY TIES!! Wtf!! Who does that. And to top it all off, they took blood! A LOT of blood. What ever happened to lets stick your finger? Geez I am not diggin’ this getting older crap! And on MONDAY MORNING?

I manage to make out of the doctor’s office with my dignity still in tact, thanks to the wonderful staff at my now new physicians office, and guess what! It’s SNOWING! Now, on any other day that probably would be a good thing, except I am wearing my favorite suede jacket today and it’s pissing me off that the beautiful snowflakes continue land on my jacket. And in case you are wondering, yes, I watched the weather, and the weatherman lied. He said snow- TOMORROW.

I get to work, now I am an hour ½ late because I had to go to THAT doctor this morning. Not a big deal really, except that my boss was on vacation last week…. Well he’s baaaacck. And I’m late, which has given him time to catch up on emails and respond to all the emails that I sent him LAST week. Which means I’m already behind. I know you ask, how can I find time to blog and still be behind…. Well, he’s gone for the day now! And I needed to vent!

But I feel better now, and I am glad that I am employed, and I am healthy, and it is no longer snowing, so my favorite suede jacket will survive to see another day, and hopefully, the good Lord willing, I will make it another week. But next week I will probably be whining again because it will be Monday, and I will be hung over from the Superbowl party at which BHE and I will be consuming wine and South Beach Diet stuff (not cuz I’m dieting, but because she is, and she is my friend and I wouldn’t want to tempt her with bad things, cuz good friends would NEVER do that-hahahahahahahah).

Thanks for listening to (reading about) my rant!

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL week!

FBK

I did it. I can’t believe I actually did it. I swore I would NEVER do it. But, well, I did it. I drank the FBK. My friend told me it went down “smooth” and man oh man was she right. I just can’t get enough of it. It has begun to consume my life. There is not enough time in the day to absorb enough of it. I am completely over the top addicted. I can’t get it at work, thank God, but I can’t wait to get home. I sit sometimes and stare and day dream about what others are doing while drinking the FBK and how long till I can have some of my own. While consuming the FBK, I am completely un-productive. My children don’t eat. My house doesn’t get cleaned. The laundry continues to pile up. The dishes don’t get washed. My husband drank it too. His addiction is as bad as mine. So now we are co-dependents.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, we drank the FaceBook Koolaid.

It’s even worse for me than blogging. (Well maybe not, because I can blog at work- like I am doing now). How will I ever keep up with the two of them?

I am going to have to start attending IAA, Internet Addicts Anonymous. "Hello, my name is Mom x 2. I am an internet addict, and my sites of choice are FaceBook and It's a Crazy World Out There. Would anyone like to be my sponsor?"

On a lighter note, I have connected with people I have not seen or talked to in 20+ years. My entire family is on FaceBook, so it is much easier to keep in touch with them. It has been amazing catching back up with people and seeing that no one really looks like they did back then. But it truly is addicting.

Can you say Balance?

Happy Friday!!

So my daughter turned 16 this year and has started driving. (ahhhh that's a story for another day) My husband and I decided this would be the best time to open up her own checking account and make her keep track of her money. She's working so she is getting a regular paycheck (at least for now). She has gas, car payments, and spending money she needs to keep up with.

I took her to the bank with money from her savings account and she and I sat down, talked to the banker and set up her new account. We all decided checks- the paper kind- were not such a good idea, so she only has her "check card." She can use it for cash at the ATM or to pay for gas, or whatever else she needs. We talked about how to keep track of her transactions in her check register, including deposits. We're fortunate that she's pretty organized, so she has done a good job so far.

This is where the funny part comes in..... A couple nights ago, we sat down to balance her check book. I was showing her what she needed to do, and noticed her registered NEVER had any cents. It always balanced to $ .00. For example, an even $400.00, or $372.00. Not $400.56 or $375.23. At first I thought, okay, maybe she is rounding. Some people do that and then just fix it when they balance their checkbook. But hello... she's never balanced one- how would she even know to do that. Nope, not the case.

When we actually started checking off the transactions in her register, I noticed she would have a deposit for $125.44, description, babysitting and $125.87, description babysitting. Now I know her fee for babysitting(that's her regular "fulltime" job) is $125.00, so I asked her "What in the world are you doing? You can't just make up the cents? You have to write down ONLY what you deposited." Her response was... "Duh!" Come to find out, she was depositing her CHECK of $125 and the CHANGE to make it a whole number. So her deposit slip said checks= $125.00, cash = .44! What a novel idea!!! We laughed so hard we cried, not at her, but I would have never thought of that. After we caught our breath, she looked at me and said, "Is that wrong? Should I not do that?" I told her of course not, but it makes me realize how innocent and naive they really are, even when they want to be all grown up.

Needless to say her check register balanced and all is well in the life of teenage spending habits :)

Weekends at the Lake

It was off to the lake for us this past weekend. Believe it or not, we had not put our boat in the water all summer. That seems like such a shame. There always seems to be a valid excuse, but this past weekend, we made it a point to get in the water.

We couldn’t have picked a better weekend. The weather was beautiful and the water was warm. There was lots of this….

So Bud could do this

And cheerleader girl could do this…..

I am ready for next weekend so we can hopefully get back to this

Now if I could just get the price of gas to go down….. ugh wishful thinking :)
How was everyone else’s weekend? Let me know!